I always think of myself as a number, and that number is always nine. I am nine. Now, this is very simple, yet quite profound…
Take nine, add it to any other number, say 8… ok that’s seventeen… ok then add the two digits of 17 and you get… eight. Try it. Over and over, as often as you want. Anytime you add any other number to nine, the result will be that other number (I continue adding until I reach a single digit number). There’s a lot more to this, but we’re just going with this one little idea for now.

So, 9 + 5 is 14, 1 + 4, is 5.
9 + 1 is 10, 1 + 0 is 1.
2 + 9 is 11, 1 + 1 is 2.

What happens to 9? It is gone, it seems. But, in reality, it is not. It has co-mingled with the other number to, in essence, become one with it. Hence, 9 is better able to understand 1, or 4, 0r 8 because it can actually become that number, when the two are added together.

For the longest time, I didn’t realize what this meant to me in my life, specifically, in my relationships. No matter what type of relationship. Platonic. Intimate. Emotional. Associative. In every relationship I enter into, I must be strong and vigilant, or I can lose myself in that relationship. Instead of standing tall and proud and being me – 9, I can become anything the other soul in the relationship desires, up to and including, them.
So I am psychically sensitive. If I don’t take care, keep alert and be cautious, I can be overtaken by the power of just about any soul that chooses to exercise such control. Do you know how scary that is? Have you ever once, been afraid that you might lose your own identity, will, self such that you are no longer you?

And so many of my S/O (significant other) type relationships would fail, because, after a time, there were no longer 2 souls in the relationship, there was one. Because I didn’t know how to keep us separate and unique. I don’t think, when we think about it, that is what many of us really want. We already have a relationship with ourselves, hopefully one that is strong, full of respect and love and encouragement. Hopefully one that is kind, supportive, as eager and enthusiastic as I am to grow, to express, to be, to learn, to share. But, I didn’t always have that, because I was always in relationships, living, working, being, eating, feeling in the midst of others, and I had no idea how their mere existence affected me. So often, what I thought was me, my thoughts, my strengths, my desires were usually some of mine, but also some of anyone else who might be in the vicinity of me. No wonder I was confused.

I always wondered how can I know what is right (for me). Or, the best option (for me). Or, even, what I most wanted (for me). I could never understand how someone could know themselves so well, that while still in their teens, they KNEW what they wanted to do with their life. Or what they wanted to BE when they grew up. Because all along, it was them and only them who was exerting any influence on them, even if someone would externally try to convince or get them to feel anything but their own feelings, thoughts and stuff.

No wonder I was confused.

Now, I have to figure out what I’m going to do about it. I really don’t want to live the life of a hermit, though, for the most part, I am happy doing that. But I feel like I miss out on so much. So much joy and inspiration and all that other great stuff that comes from serendipitous interactions. I’m good, but I want more than me, dammit.

I do feel like it’s a big step, becoming aware of how this all works – at least I’m not at the mercy of every whim and urge that passes me by. And it has seemed to make a difference in how I seek knowledge. I am eager, voracious, in fact for information, opinions, perspectives and all sorts of stuff. On just about any subject, there are so many in which I have more than just a passing interest. Now that I have defined (finally) my own identity, boundaries, interests (for today, anyway) I just can’t get enough. Add to that how much joy I get out of looking on my own for info and knowledge that is way deeper than what I normally would be exposed to… well, let’s just say, I’m havin’ a ball!!!

Almost as important to me as the seeking, is the sharing of what tidbits or volumes I find that somehow fit into some little corner of my growth. Another thing I have learned along the way is the serenditpty of it all is just as valuable as the directed search or contact. What I mean by that is, I can’t tell you how often I have found just the gem of knowledge that clicks a gazillion things into place for me in my vast internal information banks. It could be just the subject that I haven’t quite been able to identify, or the very answer to a simple question that I’ve been dealing with for god knows how long. And all that happened because someone, somewhere, somewhen decided they wanted to share.

So I have my purposely placed goals, paths of inquiry, perhaps even some results I might be able to create out of all this intellectual (and emotional and whatever other curiosities I’m driven by) information and further resources for information.

So, I’m off to seek and find and seek and find and seek and find and share… until the next time I just have to ask…

What’s it all about, Alfie………….?

🙂

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