This started out a comment to Hobbs‘ post about some pretty serious and basic beliefs from April… when my comment got so long, I could only see my comment box on the screen, I realized it’s time for me to do the same thing she was doing – reviewing options, asking questions, listening to what others had to say, etc, etc, etc.

so, I think I’m just gonna go with that flow… so…

hey, sweetie… I’m late to the party, but that’s just how I roll!!! I couldn’t read all the comments, because it’s all been said. Before. And some of it even makes sense. But your quandary reminds me of myself, now, and as a teen, becoming a truly self aware person who thought it important to do the right thing, above all else. I don’t mean someone else’s right, but what my spirit, my soul, my heart and my brain told me was right. Kind of like selecting someone to vote for when the time came.

Then I got really confused, because, who am I to decide what’s right – I don’t have all the facts, so how can I make an informed decision about what’s right. It took many years of just plain living to help me understand one thing. It’s not about making a decision for me. It’s more a gut, instinctual, perhaps spiritually guided feeling. They say that’s what falling in love is. I guess – I’ve been in and out of love and that’s a whole ‘nother subject, not to mention blog. But once I understood that my spirit totally knew what was right in my eyes, my choice was to do it or not. Never was it based on someone else’s view of right. I mean, like, don’t kill. Except when you have to. Well that’s just plain stupid. Either you do or you don’t. I know, that can be debated, but that’s where my heart/soul/spirit landed. I didn’t decide. I just discovered what was right for myself. So, from that point forward, I hardly ever… kill an insect (had ya going, didn’t I?), unless I do. Which, really hasn’t been, if ever, many times. Either I capture it and release it to “out of my house”, or I leave it alone. Both have their merit. Relocation happens, so that’s not too bad. And if I just leave it alone, I’ll always have the knowledge that next time I see another member of that same family of critter, it’s probably the one I let live, so there’s not so many of them after all. Silly, I know. But I didn’t decide, I just know, then choose my course of action or lack thereof.

So, like they say about being gay, or whatever, it’s not decision or choice (though I’m not sure of that either), it’s about KNOWING who you are and living true to yourself.  Believe me, I know that’s not as easy as it sounds. I’ve always had trouble answering questions like “where do you want to be in 5 years?” How the HE double L do I know what my circumstances will be in 5 years. So how can I say X is where I want to be? Or Y? What if something happens that disallows both X and Y? Am I a failure then, because I didn’t reach that spoken goal? Or, back to the metaphysical, how did I know what I would feel in 5 years? Today I like doing crafty things. Or writing music. Or making fractals. Or writing. Maybe I won’t like it in 5 years.

So, for me, that could mean one “truth” today might be another “truth” tomorrow, because of an experience, an idea, a thought, an external occurrence, or even something I thought about recently. And, I realized it’s not a function of the intellect to “decide” what is right or true (for ME), rather it is something that comes from all of the experiences and knowledge and mistakes and successes and observations and stuff that just seem to be part of who I am and I have no idea how it got there. AND it has to be right and true at the moment I make that choice. So I make a choice for now. I don’t mind not knoowing. I know I can go in directions now, for example, like getting a PhD in AstroPhysics, that will make my options way different in 5 years than if I DON’T get that doctorate.

So, God, religion, faith – these are all just words to me. And it’s not in the words I’ll find my truth. It’s in seeking and finding who I really am and what I believe to be right/true for me.

So what does that all mean? Damned if I know, but, that’s how I roll.

I do know that I get annoyed when someone posts a video/song/whatever on YouTube and the commenters take it as an opportunity to espouse their “platform”, make their beliefs known. That might be ok, but what the devil is the reason for name calling and trolling and otherwise being rude and bullyish. I just don’t get it. Like this video I found the other day.

I listened to it, watched, read it. Much of the content was not necessarily part of my belief system, but that did not stop me from appreciating the intent in which it was made, uploaded, shared, etc. I found it to be very kind and compassionate, which are things that ARE part of my truth, part of what I believe is honorable and good.

So, WTF were all the commenters doing debating religion, god, atheism, the bible, etc, etc, etc. I don’t judge. I just don’t get it. In my world, there is definitely a place for those things, but not as comments on a video that some caring person thought would be nice, perhaps helpful to share. Hopefully that person didn’t take all this personally, or as a reflection of how people saw her. But, many did appear to make judgements about her, because of the content of that video. IDK…

And that is where I must end my rant. Is it a rant? IDK. Maybe I see it as a way to work some things out for myself. And, why, then would I turn it into a blog post? IDK. Maybe because I think there might be others working on similar things for themselves. IDK. Maybe, it will inspire to think about these things and discover their own personal truths. IDK.

It comes down to, I blog, therefore I am! And thanks, Hobbs, for writing, publishing and encouraging communication in the comments of that post (and all your posts, really). It all made me think of these things in a particular way, that may help me know myself better today, than I did yesterday. IDK. If not, fine.

At least I got it off my chest!!!!!